The Lives and Opinions of Harry Potter, Wizard
by FuzzytheKat
Summary: The true story of Harry Potter and his friends at Hogwarts.
1. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER ONE PRELIMINARY MATTERS**

Harry Potter looked around for his friends, but they were not there. I can't say or won't say why. They were usually around him. Both Dobby and Ron and Hermione and Ginny and the professors. I suppose most people wouldn't view the professors as his friends but they are friendly towards him, thus the author considers them friends.

Friendship is a complex thing. It can be between people. It can be between a human and a cat. It can be between a cat and a pig . It can be between a janitor and a computer person. It can be among almost any races or ethicities or genders. More controversially it can be between a person and a television or mulligan stew. Some would argue that inanimate objects don't count, but I say they do. All of this will become clear as we progress with our story.

Because what is "inanimate" and who decides what is and isn't? It doesn't take a philosopher to decide but it does require a philosophy. But now and in the present, that is of little consequence.

When I use the word "now", I am talking about the "now" in the story. Which may or may not be the present time today. In fact, our story takes place in the year A.D. 1973. Now that we have these housekeepings in mind, we can go forward in our understanding.

Harry was alone. He did not like being alone because of some problem that might be a type of anxiety or might be something else (an "undiagnosed" illness). It perhaps came from his parents' untimely death. In that way, Harry was very similar to Telemachus waiting for his father to return from his twenty year odyssey. But, of course, Harry's dad could not return due to he was dead.

Harry was scared and screamed for Ron in the following manner: "Ron, Ron, Ron!, Ron!, Ron!" When Ron did no immedialetly appear, Harry lost it and swooned and fell and hit his head.

When he awoke, Ron was next to him. Ron said "OOH OOH AAH AAH OOH OOH AAH AHH…." Harry saw it was Ron being his usual self. Harry ignored Ron's babbling and was just glad to see him there. "Where is Hermione?", asked Harry Potter. As if by magick, Hermione appeared and sank into a chair.

It should be noted that Hermione was not borne into a magick family. She learned magick at the Hogwarts and became the best, even better than the professors including Snape and the others. Ron was in love with her but failed to love him. She was in love with the actor, Tom Felton. There was not even a love potion involved!

Tom did not necessarily love Hermione although he liked her as a friend and respected her smartness. He did not like Ron much, and Harry surmised it was jealousy. Love is complicated, and we will not be able to unravel its mysteries now. Hermimone was the only of only a few who could generally understand Ron's speech, which sounded like nonsense to most everyone else.

Of course, Ron's speech impediment did not so much stop him from communicating altogether. His moods were quite apparent from his facial expressions and his grunts. But even his friends, other than Hermione, had to kind of guess what he meant. It is not unusual in everyday life to be able to discern someone's mood from their non verbal gestures. Science shows that the majority of communication is non verbal while just a tad over half is verbal. Monkeys are especially adept at non verbal communication as are the Great Apes. But all of this is to say that Ron had his own way of communicating.

Hermione arose from her chair and scolded Ron. Ron replied "OOH OOH AAH AAH…" To which Hermione said "I know you're hungry but you have to wait until lunch is served." Harry was amazed that Hermione could understand the strange speech.

Then Ron went into a fit, complete with shaking and drooling. Tom Felton had entered the room.


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER TWO RON MEETS TOM FELTON**

Ron directed an unintelligible curse at Tom, to which the actor shook his head and walked out of the room laughing hystericly. Tom thought Ron was an idiot. Ron thought Tom was a wise old king.


	3. Chapter 3: Dobby the Sea King

**CHAPTER THREE DOBBY THE SEA KING**

Dobby was a house elf, which means nothing in the ordinary world but means more than you can imagine in the magickal world. He was considered Harry's pet even though he was a "free" elf on account of a bargain he made with his prior owner. It is technically politically incorrect to call him a pet due to his free status. But we will use this terminology to help enhance the understanding of the reader.

Note: the Harry Potter book and movie inaccurately suggest that elves can win freedom by receiving clothes from their master. There is no basis for such a claim. Sometimes movies are not truthful, although their intentions might be good. Good intentions are nice, but they can be misleading, especially when they are misinterpreted. Most of us try to have good intentions, but sometimes we fail. The failure can be caused by ourselves or conversely by other forces that could be beyond our control.

What all this says about free will is another matter that is beyond our scope today.

But Dobby liked Harry and Ron and Ginny and Hermione. He did not like Draco Malfoy or the Malfoy family because they treated him badly when they owned him. That is to say, the Malfoys were Dobby's owners until the aforementioned bargain. Because of ill treatment at the hands of the Malfoys, Dobby suffered from post traumatic stress disorder, which for some reason is known in medical circles as PTSD. When he heard the Malfoys' names, he passed out or at least became apoplectic.

PTSD is not a disease to be taken lightly. House elves are prone to it when abused much in the way of soldiers who are exposed to war. What might be different is that house elves have magickal properties whereas 96% of soldiers do not. Soldiers are important for defense but they are not house elves. These are a few of the many complicated relationships that are important to the wizarding and muggle worlds.

Dobby asked Harry for a treat. He preferred donuts over bagels even though the donuts have more calories. Harry did not have donuts but rather carrots. Dobby bit into one and shrieked "Dobby does not like carrots." Harry told him to try again for health reasons. That made Dobby mad. He screamed "Harry Potter does not understand. Carrots are bad bad bad. Dobby will not eat carrots. Dobby will not look at carrots." Dobby used magick to make the carrot fly at Harry and hit him in the chest. Harry fell back on his butt.

"Do not ever feed Dobby carrots again!." Harry apologized but Dobby would have none of it. "Dobby will find a new master now. Good luck Harry Potter."

Note: Dobby's language above is redacted and paraphrased since there may be younger readers who should not be exposed to foul language.

Harry was hopping mad because Dobby didn't understand this is not how the master-servant relationship works. He ran after Dobby. But Dobby continued to defy him.

It is now a good time to ponder defiance and defiant acts. Defiance has connotations of badness. But we should realize it can be good too. Who is to decide good or bad? For example, if Dobby were being treated badly, he should be defiant. If he were not treated badly, he may be in the wrong. But then who decides "badly". I think the answer is it depends on one's point of view.

The view one takes may be dependent on a person's upbringing, culture, gender, environment, intelligence and many other factors. All of this is to say we make no assumption here about Dobby's action and reserve our judgment until more events occur.

Dobby left the house and went to find Ron. "Ron Weasley is my new master now," declared the house elf. Ron was sitting at the table reading Sterne's Tristam Shandy. Or at least he was pretending to read since illiterates can't read by definition. Ron had heard Mrs. Norris listening to the audio book and had been annoyed at the author's tendency to meander so he resolved try the written version to see if it might be more concise.

Ron did not want a house elf, but little did he know that he badly needed one. Sometimes life is that way where you need something but you don't know it. That something may seem bad to you but later turns out to be good (aka a "blessing in disguise"). This is one of those situations!

"Ooh, ooh, ooh, aah, aah", said Ron. Dobby replied, "Fine. I will go make you a sandwich." In fact, Ron meant nothing of the sort, but Dobby was sure he understood. Dobby returned after ten minutes with a watercress sandwich. You may have guessed that Ron, like all mammals, did not care for watercress. Dobby liked watercress or anything to do with water because he fancied himself to be a sea king.


	4. Chapter 4: Hermimone

**CHAPTER 4 HERMIMONE**

Hermione was born with the name "Hermimone" due to her father named her that. Then her father died of tuberculosis or pleurisy when she was seven (years of age), and Hermimone was adopted by the Grainger family which came originally from Ogygia but relocated to Pittsburgh in the mid to late 19th century. Shortly after relocating to England, they dropped the "i" from their name and became the "Granger" family. Hermimone's adoptive parents took pity on her and legally changed her name to Hermione.

Backing up for a moment, it is important to understand that the second "m" in her name was always silent. But the other school children didn't understand that. So Hermimone was subject to the humiliation of mispronunciation on a daily basis. Since she had no friends, she put all her efforts into her studies which included ornithology, witchcraft and photography. Her love of photography led her to a brief relationship with Colin Creavey. But she left him due to his creepiness which we will discuss in a later chapter.

The reason for this digression now will become clear when I tell you that Ron called Hermione "Hermimone". It was one of only a handful of intelligible words he could speak, the others being mainly "par boiled", "insurance claim" and "Elphaba".

But such things are less important. What is important now is that Ron was considered an idiot and occasionally a moron for his inability to pronounce "Hermione." Only Hermione knew the truth that Ron was speaking the phonetic spelling of her birth name! She convinced herself that it was some unfortunate mistake, for she considered Ron an blithering idiot too.

It occurred to her one day that Ron might be smarter than he looked. So she asked him, "Ron. Why do you call me Hermimone?" Ron began jumping up and down while making monkey sounds. Hermione felt foolish to think that she credited Ron with intelligence.

Besides, Hermione had now started to make friends at Hogwarts. She seemed better accepted than in the muggle world. She counted Harry as her friend. Also, Neville and Ron's brothers and Colin and Dobby and Tom Felton. Dobby is a house elf and not a person. But as we proved earlier, non persons can be friends.

We could talk more about Hermione but we will stop here for now in the interests of time. But there might be one thing to add. Hermimone had brown eyes. And she knew magickal spells. She was good at school but was intimidated by chipmunks. She had a marvelous singing voice and was compared frequently to Calypso and Miley Cyrus. She had operatic range but hated opera.


	5. Chapter 5: Lord Voldemort

CHAPTER 5 LORD VOLDEMORT

Lord Voldemort was born under the name Tom Riddle according to legend. But that's not how it really happened. The real story is that the Lord was created by Severus Snape in a laboratory using spare parts from animate and inanimate objects. Snape was very angry due to poor treatment he received as a teen, so he sought revenge by creating an evil sorcerer. Little did he know that the would create someone more powerful than any that came before.

Voldemort was ugly like a snake. In fact, Snape modeled him after a snake. It is unknown what kind. Other than that it was a large snake with fangs. In zoos the largest snakes are anacondas and pythons, but it would be a stretch to say Voldemort was one of those.

Snakes can be mild or poisonous. They can be friendly or morose. On the other hand, they have very strong senses although they do not have much use for money. All of this is to say that snakes are multi-faceted beings with wishes and desires much like humans or cats or new forms of artificial intelligence.

I, the author, do not really approve of snakes as pets. But there are others who do like them, and I choose to respect their preferences unless they are in an area where the local zoning ordinances disallow snakes as pets. For I feel it is important to follow rules. One must respect rules.

This type of respect is often missing in the younger generations, although there are counter examples even within this story. For example, Dumbledore respects rules.

So it turns out Voldemort was snake like yet not like a snake. He disguised himself as Draco Malfoy in order to get close to the students at Hogwarts. (Hogwarts is a school). He offered a weekly podcast on logical positivism which was heard in 12 countries but did so under a pseudonym. It was all part of his grand plan.

Disguised as Draco, he could grant himself access to the unsuspecting victims!

Voldemort captured on this day two of the little midgets from Gringott's. He fed them weed which kept them from leaving. They were content to stay in Voldemort's clutches, thinking they were in idyllic pastures. Voldemort liked midgets because they make him feel better about himself.

Who would be the hero and save them? It would not be Colin Creavey.


	6. Chapter 6: Colin Creavey

CHAPTER 6 COLIN CREAVEY

Colin was in love with Ginny Weasley but she did not love him. That made Colin upset and made him spend all his time with his camera.

He slept with his camera. He ate with his camera. He talked to his camera. He carried his camera everywhere. He took a lot of pictures, some of which were considered inappropriate by the Ministry of Magic. Colin was forced to apologise to the student body and signed a formal agreement to hold higher moral standards in the future. He was lucky not to be expelled because people have been expelled for lesser offenses.

Colin was awkward in social situations. He would go on thusly, "Let me take your picture. I have a nice new camera. I spend all my spare time with my friend camera. I love taking pictures. Will you pose for me? Would you like to hear the technical specifications of my camera? My cameras are my best friends. I have over a hundred of them, not counting polaroids. I feel Cameras are a window into the soul. How many cameras do you own? Do you know when the first camera was made? The camera was invented by Johann Zahn. What kind of zoom lens do you have? I bet mine is better. I have a wonderful collection of lenses. I had a dream about image sensors last night. Don't you just love when you get a new memory card for Christmas? It is hotter than Hades when my camera heats up. Digital cameras are a dream come true. What is the best picture you've ever taken? Let me show you my slide show. All the pictures are from my camera. Please pose for me. I promise to keep the flash off. The history of cameras is fascinating. Do you have three hours to spare? I take pictures for the school newspaper. I am the President of the Aperture Foundation these last two years. I just love cameras."

Due to his intense focus on cameras, he was shunned by all the students and administrators. The administrators kicked him out of Hogwarts, but Colin was so focused on cameras he did not realize it.

Author's note: Colin once thought he was pregnant. He went to his obstetrician but learned it was just a food baby. He was relieved because the home test strip had tested positive. (In the magickal world, like our world, most pregnancies involve women).

Ron offered to trade his house elf to Colin, but Colin thought Ron was asking about cameras and so proceeded to lecture Ron for three hours.


	7. Chapter 7: Harry Potter

CHAPTER 7 HARRY POTTER

Harry growed up with muggles. Muggles are non magickal peoples. He should have been raised by his parents but that was impossible due to his parents died. They were talented sorcerers who were nevertheless killed in cold blood by Tom Felton, a muggle actor.

You may find it strange that an actor killed the Potters. But consider that none other than Abraham Lincoln was killed by a actor, John Wilkes Booth. It is true that Booth was an actor of the stage and not the screen. However, back then there were no TV and movies, so probably today he would be a screen star. If not, he could still be a theater star which might mean nothing to people who don't go to see stage shows but would be impressive to the cultured people who do.

We could list other actors who have murdered victims but we will stop here in the interests of time. It is important to stay with the timeline because of the complexities inherent in Harry Potter. For example, there are many characters. And another thing, there are a great many relationships between them. The dynamics of relationships are hard to portray in a short novel, but we will endeavor to faithfully describe it all!

It's just that actors are no better or worse than anyone else. So the fact that there are some murderers among them should not be held against them as a lot. There are good and bad people in all professions including teaching, law enforcement, cricket and money laundering.

Tom appeared as Lord Voldemort that day, causing others to think that Voldemort was the killer. The reasons why Tom killed Harry's parents, James and Lily, are unknown. There is speculation even to this day but nothing concrete. Perhaps some day Mr. Felton will come off his high horse and explain his self in an interview or something. Till then we will have to be satisfied with not knowing anything.

Hermione had not yet learned about Tom's duplicity!

The muggles treated Harry badly but Harry liked it because he had masochistic tendencies to which he did not publicly admit. Harry attended muggle school and was good at math but not history. He had no siblings other than a pet owl called Hedwig. The muggles what raised him were the Dudleys, including Dursley Dudley, a heavy boy.

There is a lot more to say about Harry Potter in his youth. But we will have to leave it at that for now. We will limit our comments to one other fact: He was good at math problems but had trouble in history class because essays were not his thing. He was not good at writing. But he could do a lot of impressive things with numbers, which is to say that math came easy to him. He was, in fact, good at mathematics. He was a mathematical genius not unlike Descartes, Euclid or the Unabomber.

A few other notes: Harry wore glasses. Harry had a scar. Harry loved monkeys of all sorts but not apes. He did not like history. He liked math. He was the President of the Herdwick Sheep Breeders Association, a position he inherited. The Slytherins did not like him because they considered him to be full of bluster like the god of wind or a windbag.

I should also note that Harry's great great grandmother, Beatrix Potter, is still alife. Although muggle records show she died in 1943, that was actually when she was placed in a witness protection program by the muggle FBI. She is over 150 years old and still enjoys smooth jazz, recorded lectures and American football, although she suffers from a debilitating case of leporiphobia.

Harry went to see Ron to demand the return of his house elf. It wasn't so much that Harry missed the elf now. It was more the principle that Ron had stolen his property.


	8. Chapter 8: Inside Ron Weasley's Head

CHAPTER 8 INSIDE RON WEASLEY'S HEAD

I am Ron. Ron Weasley. Weasley sounds like weasel. I don't know if I like weasels. Ooh, ooh, ooh, aah, aah, aah. Banana. Monkeys are not apes. Oh, there is Hermimone. I am not Hermimone. Hermimone reminds me of a someone I used to know who cast spells. I'm hungry. Banana. Witches is what they are called. I wonder who came up with that name. Names are funny sometimes. I am Ron. Ooh, ooh. Aah, aah. Harry is my friend. He has a scar. I want a scar. Banana. Bunch of bananas.

Banana cream pie. Why do I love bananas? Everyone deserves a chance to fly. Where are my wings? Who took them and for what purpose on god's green earth? Ooh ooh. I want banana split. Large bunch of bananas. The usher is threadbare in coat. Harry is my friend. Why is he called Harry? Very similar to hairy. I wonder if he knows that. Monkeys are hairy. Harry is a monkey. Would I like a banana? Yes, please. Just got back from a funeral for my old friend Paddy due to he died. Where is wizard? Who is the wizard and what are his powers? I want banana split. Ooh, ooh.

Thanks for talking me down. I haven't been the easiest to be around. We're family. Bang my head against the wall. Do you want to help? Yes, I would. I'm not over it yet. I want to be. I thought we were going to talk. We don't have enough room in our lives for any of this. I'm not worried about me. No hiding in plain sight. I want my readers to know who I am. I don't know. I've got to do this.

Hermimone is cute. Ooh. Ooh. Aah. Aah. These are the sounds monkeys make especially when engaged in monkey business. I love Hermimone. Give me banana now. This lack of bananas makes me sick and spiteful.


	9. Chapter 85: Ron Weasley

CHAPTER 8.5 RON WEASLEY

There is not much more that can be said about Ron Weasley. Maybe one thing is that he had a high IQ according to school records. It was hard to imagine because he seemed stupid as country dirt. People wondered whether he had a stroke or something since the IQ test which was done at a time when he was very young, that is in the "past". How long ago is a matter of conjecture. His birth certificate lists his birthday as 16 June but the year is conveniently missing.

Ron did not want a house elf. But now he had one. Ron had a quite a history with house elves although he did not realize it.

When Ron was a baby, his mom and dad had a house elf named Aristotle. Aristotle was quite learned especially in the poetics of tragedy. Interestingly, there were no pictures of Ron with Aristotle. Either his parents didn't care to take pictures or there was something else going on.

George and Fred are twins. We will not talk about them in this story because, frankly, they aren't important. What is important is Ron, Harry, Hermione, Dobby, Tom Felton, Draco and some of the others that have more character.

When I speak of character, I don't mean that they don't have flaws. Character flaws can make tragic heroes, according to Ron's old house elf. But we should not continue on about flaws, which are not germane to the story except that the flaws can be apparent when looking at some of the characters. For example, Colin Creavey is stupid and Neville Longbottom is intelligent but very dense.

When writing a story, it is important to focus. Focus is everything in a story. We could not go into detail about George and Fred without making the story unnecessarily long and boring the reader. Besides, neither is impressive in himself, although the sum of their parts may exceed their own respective values, but that is not saying much.

George and Fred were not really noteworthy for anything other than being twins who look alike. Most people would assume they were identical twins. It is not always the case that twins who look alike are identical. Consider that there are people who look the same or nearly the same who are not even related! Like Jesse Plemons and Matt Damon.

Ron's parents are more important to Ron's background, so we should spend some time on them. But we will have to save that for later. For this chapter is to be about Ron and nothing else!

Ron did not want a house elf. But now he had one. Ron had little experience with house elves but now he would learn. But Harry confronted Ron and demanded the return of his elf by saying "You will return my elf."

To that, Ron spoke in clear English for the first time: "All happy wizards are alike. Each unhappy wizard is unhappy in his own way." Harry did not know what to make of his friend's new literacy and profundity and he fainted.

Ron stood over Harry triumphantly and beat his chest. He took out his pokemon go app and caught a Pikachu. Ron climbed up a wall going "doink, doink, doink."


	10. Chapter 9: Quidditch

CHAPTER 9 QUIDDITCH

Quidditch is a sport that is played at all the major schools including Hogwarts. It does not exist so much in the muggle world because it requires flying ability. Even so, the muggles imitate it while pretending to fly.

It is important for muggles to pretend because it makes them feel better about themselves. There is nothing wrong with that according to psychologists. You can understand why muggles want to feel better about themselves when you consider all their limitations. It is no wonder that muggles like midgets.

Muggles can't fly. Most of them can't do magickal spells. They aren't good at dark arts. They can't time travel. We could go on and on comparing them unfavorably to the magickal peoples but in the interests of time we will stop here. It is also impolite to hurt their feelings as some of them will be reading this book.

In Harry's world, though, quidditch is more important than football or baseball. They don't even play those at Hogwarts!

Let me tell you about the time Ron tried out for the quidditch team. He was surprisingly good at the flying. But then his father, Mr. Weasely, came by and gave him a talking to. After that, Ron stopped flying and went back home. Mr. Weselly cast a spell so that the other children and the coach did not remember Ron's abilities.

To this point, it is unclear why this happened. It was probably because of shame, as most (experts say 73%) actions are based on shame. But the particularity of the shame is not apparent to the naked eye.

Shame is a funny thing. It is something that exists in all worlds including the muggle and magick worlds. There is a high chance it exists in alien worlds too. If shame were non-existent, imagine how different we would all be. But it is unrealistic to dwell on things that we cannot change. So we will now continue with quidditch.

Harry played a position called "seeker". He learned later that his father, James, had been a seeker as a boy. It is hard to compare them though because the game has changed so much over the years. It is really like apples and oranges.

Through quidditch, Harry came to terms with his self. Just as in real life, the Harry Potters are able to express themselves through sports. Harry also liked cricket, lacrosse and pro wrestling. The only sport Harry did not like was dwarf tossing because he found it inhumane. Tell that to the dwarves who want to make a living! These are the sort of dilemmas we face in life. Sometimes we have to choose between two difficult things, like maybe two different kinds of monsters. Neither seems like a good choice, but there are no other paths. Perhaps that is what leads to greatness. Of course, you could die too.

Others played the game of quidditch as well. But there are very few quidditch players you would have heard of.

Today Ron showed up at Quidditch and declared to Harry that he, not Harry, now owned the elf. Harry thought that Ron was making an apology, and he gave Ron a hug. Harry understood that his house elf would be returned tomorrow. He apparently did not understand Ron's new powers of speech.


	11. Chapter 10: Neville Longbottom

CHAPTER 10 NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM

Now that we have set up the story with descriptions of the characters, we can proceed with the telling of the story of Harry Potter. But first we will discuss Neville Longbottom.

Neville seemed very meek, but it was all for show. He was, in fact , a powerful wizard. More powerful than Dumbledore himself. Neville did not admit to his powers due to he didn't want to embarrass Dumbledore or other witches and wizards. So he pretended to be stupid like Ron. He fumbled around much to the amusement of the mean kids like Crabbe and Goyle.

One day he came across Ron at the zoo. He learned a secret: Ron could speak with monkeys! Most of his peers thought he was just making monkey noises, but Neville could see the truth due to his high IQ of over 200. The monkeys understood Ron too.

Neville knew from that day forth a truth that would later be revealed to the other characters.


	12. Chapter 11: Mrs Norris

CHAPTER 11 MRS. NORRIS

Back to the importance of Ron talking like a monkey, Mrs. Norris had been a witness to this for years. Mrs. Norris was a main coon cat but otherwise she was a Animagus who took the form of Professors McGonigle and Trelawney and other important professors as well as celebrities of the stage but not the screen. She should have been famous for her treatise, "Industrial Society and its Future" but it was later coopted by a muggle for his own selfish purposes. Mrs. Norris never forgot this slight and has waited patiently to exact her revenge! More on this later.

Mrs. Norris knew his secret, so Ron tried to bribe her with dolphin-safe canned tuna. He did not understand that Mrs. Norris liked chickens but not tunas, beefs or sheeps and doesn't particularly concern herself with dolphin safety. She was also upset by Ron's grunting. Cats like to be spoken to in a high voice, which they find soothing, especially when spoken to about topics that are relevant. But Ron's voice was grating and generally unpleasant. As a rule, he did not speak about relevant things.

Mrs. Norris then appeared to Ron in a dream in the form of a large male cat, possibly a hyena, and said the following: "Ron. I am aware of your secret and I plans to expose you unless you sends 400,000 American mony to my offshore bank account. Be redy to do it now. Do not test me with anyding as I very powerful and a member of a foreign faction. I has claws including a dew claw, which is as gut as an opposable thumb. Do not mess with me. I am well versed in the business of evading anti money laundering laws, and hence am easily able to evade them. Do not try to grow a brain. Do not call the police. If you even talk to a stray dog, there will be retaliatory measures. Sincerely, Big Tom Cat."

Ron made gurgling noises and fainted. History shows that an ambulance came, sirens blazing, and Ron was revived by an emergency team.

Luckily, Lunar Lovegood was a licensed vocational nurse originally from east Boston in the United States (a "foreign country") and was able to care for Ron until he could stand on his own.

The experience with Ron made Mrs. Norris very upset. She believed that Ron and his friends were very spoiled and would do good to live in a more primitive society where they had to fend for themselves. She lectured them: "You has never put you physical powers to any practical uses. You is worse than primitive man who has used his body daily for practical purposes while you Weaseleys (note: she refers to all humans- muggle or otherwise- as Weaselys) has never has any practical use of your physical bodies beyond walking from you car to you house. Reform is insufficient. Revolution is necessary." Mrs. Norris went into the forest permanently, disgusted by humans, and plotted against them.

The school was alarmed at the apparent attack on Ron by an unknown assailant. Harry began to interview suspects and the clues led to an Irish pub called Molly's.


	13. Chapter 12: Kingdom of the Blind

CHAPTER 12 KINGDOM OF THE BLIND

Harry sat down in Molly's and ordered straight vodka. Harry was an alcoholic but only mildly so. He also had a slight heroin "problem", but his psychologist considered it only a phase.

At the bar stood an angry man who greeted Harry, "Well, well. If it isn't the great Harry Potter. A pox on you and all your kind." He spat at Harry and slugged him hard on the jaw.

Ron appeared now to protect Harry. "I don't need your help, you house elf stealer," said Harry. Ron spoke monkey language to the angry man who he noticed had only one good eye. Ron babbled at the man, who declared "In the kingdom of the blind, the one eyed man is king."

Harry thought this was pure nonsense. But was it really? For did Harry really understand or was he one of the blind? Was this man his king? Not if he could help it.

The "king" whispered in Harry's ear, "You will stand down now." Harry stood down. "You will go to the other end of the bar and refrain from bothering me."

"I will go to the end of the bar and stop bothering you", said Harry.

Harry was spellbound for the remainder of his life. The half blind man had Jedi powers! He did not even have a name that Harry knew of!


	14. Chapter 13: Nausicaa

CHAPTER 13 NAUSICAA

Harry left the bar, quite disturbed. On his way home, he fell in love. It was with Moaning Myrtle. Why did it matter that she was dead? Why did it matter that she had no soul?

Moaning Myrtle sang love songs to Harry who fell into an even deeper spell. Harry would never leave Myrtle's side. At least not in this lifetime. That's what he said to his self.

Sometimes life is funny like that where Harry, or someone like him, changes his tastes one day to the next. It is like how some people don't like broccoli, but then later in life, they come to like it. Such was the case with Harry's profound attraction to Moaning Myrtle.

All of this angered Mrs. Norris who appeared as a a rhesus monkey, thus scaring Moaning Myrtle away. Harry asked the monkey what it's name was. The monkey transformed into a cat and said "I am Mrs. Norris, you dunce. I am here to save you."

"Why save me?", asked Harry.

"Because we need to get your elf back from that moron, Weasley."


	15. Chapter 14: The Rolling Stones

CHAPTER 14 THE ROLLING STONES

Harry and Mrs. Norris tracked down Ron at a Rolling Stones concert. Ron met the Stones in 1969 before when Keith Richards taught Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts. We will now digress for a moment and tell the story. Professor Richards tried to teach Ron how to do magic, but Ron could not articulate the spells. When the professor said "stupefy", Ron said something that the professor took to be "mad bull". When Richards said "expelliarmus", Ron said something that sounded like "red coal carpet." Ron hid under the table during a storm and started screaming about war.

For some reason, whenever, Harry thought of the band, he thought of his mother which is strange since there are no females in the Rolling Stones.

As they walked into the concert hall, Harry's mind was filled with thoughts of his mother giving birth to him. That led him to thoughts of other births. He wondered about his aunts and uncles giving birth. He also thought a lot about oxen.

Harry and Ron walked into the concert hall and saw the group performing. Mick saw Harry first and came off stage to give him a warm hug. Harry started bawling and bawling because Mick Jagger was his hero. He cried for fifteen minutes straight. The Stones were able to play four songs in that span.

When Harry stopped his blubbering, Ron started whining in monkey talk. Harry apologized for him but now the Stones were offended because they thought Ron was making fun of their singing.

Their manager escorted the boys out, and they never saw the Stones again. The reader may wonder what this has to do with the story. In fact, it has everything to do with the story. But as patience is a virtue, I ask the reader to wait until the next chapter.

Mrs. Norris had accomplished half her goal. With Ron separated from Harry, Mrs. Norris pressured him to pay up. Ron used his iphone to wire $400,000 to Mrs. Norris's Swiss bank account.


	16. Chapter 15: Another Dimension

CHAPTER 15 ANOTHER DIMENSION

Harry and Ron were so upset at being insulted by the Rolling Stones, that they together cast a spell and entered into another dimension! They were the first to prove that time travel was possible. Harry and Ron went back to what they thought was Hogwarts. But they found it had changed.

For one, Hermione practiced magick in a mansion in the woods under the name Ecric. Second, Colin Creavey was mostly less annoying. Third, the school was now known as Warthogs. Other than those, things were pretty much the same. Fourthly, Harry in this dimension carried a walking stick which he used to beat on anyone who insulted the King.

Note: there is no guarantee that other dimensions are completely different. In fact, there might be some with only two or three small differences. The fact that there were only a couple differences should not diminish from the boys' accomplishment.

Ron seemed very upset by the whole episode, so Harry cast a new spell and the boys returned to their own time and space. The whole episode seemed to take only about thirty minutes, but it was really six months. A lot had happened in six months.

Harry imparted his knowledge to muggle Stephen Hawking, who then took credit for inventing space-time.


	17. Chapter 16: Aragog

CHAPTER 16 ARAGOG

Aragog, the giant spider owned by Hagrid the Giant, had taken over Hogwarts. He defeated the large snake of Voldemort and subdued Dumbledore through the use of his fangs. Many were injured but none died, because Aragog refuses to kill. He waited patiently for Harry and Ron while tending to his dogs and his pigs.

Aragog found Harry and Ron in the woods on the way back to Hogwarts. He called Ron a cute monkey and spoke in a high voice to Harry, insinuating that Harry was an aminal.

Harry did not find this endearing and he lashed out at the eight legged monster. "I am very upset at you, Aragog," said Harry. "Blah, blah, blah," said Ron in agreement.

"I was not a killer before, but I will make and exception for you", cried Aragog in a high voice. Ron and Harry ran as fast as they could, but they were no match for Aragog, who was a champion sprinter in high school on his home planet of Naboo. Aragog caught them and was about to eat them when Hermione and Tom Felton entered the scene.

"I hereby order you to stop, Aragog," said Tom. "If you don't, you will be sorry," declared Hermione.

"Well", said Aragog, "I will now reveal embarrassing truths that you have hid from each other. First, Hermione's real name is Hermimone."

Hermione turned red and fainted into Tom's arms.

"Second, Ron was a boy who was turned into a monkey and then turned back into a boy. In his monkey life, he was the legendary Chistery. Ron, I will give you a choice: monkey or man."

To that, Ron spoke in clear English, "I choose monkey." Aragog transformed him into Chistery and Chistery scampered off making monkey sounds.

Aragog turned to Harry next. Harry braced for any news coming his way. But without warning, Tom Felton grew into a giant and crushed Aragog with his boot. The world would never learn Harry's darkest secret.

Harry decided to return now to Hogwarts.


	18. Chapter 17: Return to Hogwarts

CHAPTER 17 RETURN TO HOGWARTS

At long last, Harry, Hermione and Tom returned to Hogwarts. It had seemed like 20 years although it had only been 40 days.

Colin was there to take their picture as they entered into Griffindor castle. Mrs. Norris was walking the halls with her new mink coat.

"Where is Ron?", asked the headmistress. "Gone", said Hermione. Harry and Tom nodded in assent.

McGonigle was displeased by the intentionally short answer and replied, "I will get Dumbledore to beat it out of you."

"That won't be necessary," said Neville Longbottom. "You see, Ron has been transformed into a monkey. He was really Chistery from Oz all along."

"Now it all makes sense," said McGonigle.

Tom said goodbye to Hermione. He had to go back to muggle acting. When he returned to his flat, he found Dobby the house elf. Ron had left Dobby to Tom!

Note: Hermione did learn of Tom's criminal past but forgave him when she learned that his acts were commanded by Aragog.


	19. Chapter 18: Lily

CHAPTER 18 LILY

A fortnight later, Lily and Beatrix Potter appeared before Harry. "How is it I am visited by the undead?" asked Harry. Lily explained that death was but an ephemeral state. Harry did not understand the meaning of the word "ephemeral", so he remained confused as a goat in slippers.

Beatrix put it more bluntly. "Harry, we are here. That is all that matters. We have come to reveal a truth to you. Ron Weasley is a monkey."

Harry said "yes, as I have learned over the last week" Beatrix, his grandmother, replied "No you don't understand. Ron was born a monkey but was transformed into a young man by a powerful green witch. He has now been returned to monkey state of his own choosing"

Harry knew all of this but feigned surprise. He thanked Beatrix and Lily and offered to let them stay in his room.

Lily then gave him the good news: he would be going back to the family home! He would live with his mum and grandmum forever and ever!


End file.
